Self-fulfillment through validation is a never-ending cycle! I think that it is time that I be real with myself and the way that I feel. Whether that be how I feel about others or about me. I feel like I get myself in completely avoidable situations due to boredom. I do it based on convivence and not on logic, and that has done nothing but have negative effects. I feel like chasing a feeling that I held the first time I experienced love in the 10th grade has led me to be in unfavorable situations. I don't even think I'd call that love but I was convinced enough. It was close enough to make me feel devoted and to feel heartbroken when it didn't work out. It was enough to, again, still chase that same feeling this many years later. That version of me is gone and so is he but I still feel nostalgic about it. I fear that I'm using that as another excuse though. That it is another one of my avoidant tendencies and that telling myself that I'm chasing a feeling that'll never come back will justify why I keep lying to myself about how I feel about others. To be able to fully lie to myself and believe that I feel the exact opposite of what I do is something that I don't understand. I'm hoping that I won't do it anymore and that the things that I say and feel are true and not conjured up from what I think they should be. I think I enjoy the melodramatics of it all. The act of having feelings and having them crushed is very like, I don't know, fictional? It feels movie esc to go through the motions of my life, no matter how unnecessary, and producing plots. I think I need to treat my life more valuably. Like it's not fictional media. Like that the bad actions and decisions I make have lasting negative consequences. I'm not that upset about the things that happen; I'm more upset about the fact that I'm the reason they do. That I'm the sole reason why I end up in these spaces because I fully had the ability to leave. I have the ability to not interact with people I don't like. I have the ability to not talk to people who annoy me. I have the ability to not flirt with people I'm not attracted to, but if I don't then there is no plot. There are no new characters, there are no new developments, it's just mundane and I'd be complacent. Boredom has been the reason why I end up in the places that I do, but I've known that. Being aware of my actions has not stopped me from doing them. I just don't think it makes any sense to pretend like I care. To overreact to something that doesn't affect me. To perform the way that I think anybody else would in these situations. I started dating my first boyfriend because I was brought up to think that girls have boyfriends and that's just how it is, even though I didn't like him in any way. I had my first kiss because I was made to believe that that's what girls do with their boyfriends. I lost my virginity to someone I wasn't attracted to because I thought that I was supposed to do that to satisfy the person I date. I behave sexually because I was told that that's what appeals to men and that's what they like about me, even if I'm not interested in sex or intimacy of that kind. The concept of letting what other people think or have done worm its way into my head as though it is fact is sickening. If I had it my way, I'd stop letting myself pretend. I'd stop letting myself act as though these things have a huge effect on me and what happens in my life because that's simply not true. I could not care less about who finds me attractive and who doesn't, I do not care about who has feelings for me and who doesn't like me. Yet I've brought myself to think otherwise. There's a simple fix though I guess, just stop, and that's what I plan to do. I would be a liar if I said my life wasn't at its best when I'm alone. When I'm not letting someone make me second guess myself and my presence. When I'm not overcompensating for the attention of someone who only likes the idea of me. When I don't feel obligated to perform for someone as their girlfriend or anything of the sort. I get to go to work and school, do what I want when I go home, go out with friends, and go to sleep, and I am in no way upset with that. This victim complex and the idea that "everyone has done me wrong" is idiotic. The truth is that I let people come into my life and do whatever they've wanted because it feels like it confirms the insecurities I have about myself. It allows me to remain where I am and use those insecurities as an excuse. That's pathetic. It's pathetic to need someone else to make me feel shit about myself for me to prove that it's not just me who thinks it. Relationships don't appeal to me and they never have, so I'm going to drop the idea that I've nailed into my head that that's what's missing in my life. There's nothing missing in my life, that empty pit in my stomach isn't because I don't have a boyfriend, it's because I'm looking for myself in the validation of someone else. When that validation gets old, and it does very quickly, I am back where I started of trying to fulfill myself with the wrong sources. SO, this time I will do it the right way. I will discover what things in my life I want to change and do that without waiting on someone else. I'll figure out the things I want to do and do them on my own. I'll find the places I want to go and go there by myself, because the idea of waiting around for someone else to love what I haven't learned to yet is pitiful.
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