Oh I'm Doomed ✮

I often discuss why relationships don't work out for me based on what is done to me. I rarely discuss my part in it, my faults. I am flawed, greatly flawed. The difference, I feel, is that I'm aware of it and don't allow it to affect other people as they do me. My flaws are things like I'm jealous, indecisive, clingy, non-communicative. These are issues that lead to bigger problems eventually, but for the most part I try not to let them be things that greatly impact the people I interact with. In relationships, I feel that the void I put up against these problems is lowered a bit. I feel like people are attracted to the idea of me, the idea of showing me off, but don't want to be with me when they realize who I am. I don't think I'm a terrible person, it could be biased, but I think I'm a good girlfriend. However, I feel like I must be doing something to cause people to want me solely at surface level. I admit when I've been overbearing, clingy. When I've breached privacy in the past by going through a phone. When I constantly await a text back or a phone call. I will say that I no longer have these habits, but I do get why they would drive someone away. I will say that my insecurities cause me to be deeply skeptical and jealous acting. I don't believe someone when they complement me, not because they don't think it's true, but because I don't. I feel uncomfortable when I hear stories of someone I like interacting with other women, not because I think they would leave me for them, but I imagine how much better that woman could be. I am wishy washy when it comes to decisions, especially regarding people I have crushes on. To me, crushes are not that big of a deal. It's attraction. admiration, acknowledgement to the fact that this person may be my type. However, I feel like these crushes come and go in extreme waves. They come to me passionately, suddenly. They leave silently, insignificantly. Part of me has the idea of "it's just a crush so it doesn't matter," and another part of me feels that it shouldn't be possible to gain or lose feelings for someone as fast as I do. There have been exceptions to this rule though. My first love for example, as I said he would be very mean to me, but it didn't push me away as it would others. Someone else I liked, he also was mean to me, he was much harsher though. I didn't lose feelings for him either though, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Despite his rude comments, his late replies, and his constant displays of dislike towards me, my feelings remained. It seems although I'm stuck between gaining a rush of emotions until I lose interest and chasing after someone who proves to me directly that they don't want me. I suppose I could say that's another flaw. The way I chase unrequited love is a major flaw I forgot to mention (among many). I become obsessed with the idea of someone not wanting me. Obsessed with the fact that they can leave me easily. It feels like a confirmation for all the negative thoughts I have for myself. As though I was "right all along." I don't focus on those I feel will be good to me. I ignore the good comments and home in on the bad ones. This is why I avoid love now, I don't think I self-sabotage, I just discard the idea altogether. Going after those who don't want me allows me to stay inside my issue of commitment. I can say to myself "see I am trying to find love," knowing that I'm going after something that'll never be. I do feel I've grown, I feel I am more aware of human emotion and interaction. I'm young still and I have to keep that in mind. I've made plenty of mistakes sure, but it is worth mentioning that I didn't know what I was doing. Not considering the impact of my actions and how they would affect my future self. I regret plenty of things I've done in the past, but I have hope that it'll pay off. I have hope that it was not all for nothing and I plan to prove it. I can't focus on those who discard me, who don't want me in their life, who treat me with dismay. I can't focus on the magnitude of mistakes I've made to the point of exhaustion. I have to move on, and the inability to do that may be the biggest flaw of them all.

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