I've mentioned how not being able to let go of the past is my biggest issue. My past is the largest source for my insecurities, it feels as those it confirms my current beliefs. I felt more desired in the past, so I feel as though that must mean now I am not adequate. I was skinnier in the past, so I feel as though I looked better. There are other instances in which I glorify my existence back then and leave out the problems I had back then as well. More recently, connections in high school have been what I look back on the most. They're what I have been revisiting and what cause me the most turmoil. I know I should leave a lot of these relationships behind, I in no way miss high school, I just feel as though I need to clear up who I am now versus who I was then. I find myself still returning to high school crushes and attraction I had, using non-reciprocation as a reason to confirm my insecurities. The truth is, I need to come to terms that everyone else has moved on as well. I do feel like I have moved on in some way, I don't take these crushes serious unless there's a reason to, and again it feels like more of an internal conflict than a real pursuit. I do have moments though, moments where I feel as though I've changed for the better, but people don't like me anymore, not like they used to. I feel that maybe that's proof that I've changed for the worst, but deep down I know that's not true. The truth is I'm changing for the better while keeping people around me who want me to stay as I always was. Who don't want to accept the fact that I can change. Call me biased, but I think mentally, maturity wise, and personality wise that I have grown significantly from even a year ago. I know that people who don't like this change should not be in my life, but I find it hard to cut people off unless they've harmed me (even then I find it challenging). I want to keep changing, I want to keep getting better and become who it is I've always wanted to be, but the thing I have to come to terms with the most is leaving people behind. That's the last thing holding me back. Something I want to work on is dropping the theatrics. I feel as though I do certain things, go through certain situations, because of how it'll feel to look back on. I'm not sure how to describe it. For example, I like tension. I like the tension of being attracted to someone, someone being attracted to me, we both know it and it goes unspoken. I like the interactions that come with that unspoken attraction because of the performance of it all. Both of us playing a part as though we can't resist each other although we won't make a move. I won't like this person, I don't want a relationship, but the chase alone is what gives me a rush. This is bad, it's bad to play into something, work myself about something I don't even care about. Make myself think I'm upset deeply by a rejection from someone I could never date in the first place. The theatrics of the tears, of listening to a song that applies to the situation, of telling my friends all about it. It's as though I'm not even in it for the connection, but for what comes with it. This is another thing I'd like to change and something I'm working on right now. I hope I can master the craft of letting go and being honest with myself and my feelings.
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