I Wish I'd Been a Teen Idol ✮

My intuition has been correct up to date. I've prepared myself for the worst outcome because that's what I expect to happen, it's a gut feeling. Part of me feels as though I'm "speaking it into existence" when I do that, but I also know I have more than enough reason to think as I do. Call me a pessimist, but I have yet to be wrong when it comes to these kinds of things. This time, I ignored my intuition. At least I tried to. I tried to bury the doubts and negative thoughts that told myself it was too good to be true so that I could enjoy what was happening. Of course, I proved myself correct. The worst outcome was the reality of the situation. I partly blame myself, for thinking that there was any way that what I hoped for regarding this situation would be true, but I don't think it is wrong that I had hope. I don't think it is wrong that I allowed myself to be vulnerable and have feelings. I allowed myself to address the fact I felt for someone strongly and hoped that they would reciprocate it despite what the past has shown me. The part of myself that is defensive, protective over how I feel, is ashamed. Ashamed that I let my guard down to such an obvious mistake. The part of myself that wants to allow me to be human and make mistakes just wants me to move past this. I know that it's something I can't stop thinking about for now, but as everything else like this in the past has gone, I know it'll leave my head eventually. This isn't the worst thing that has happened, so I do believe that it won't take long. Above all else, I am embarrassed. Embarrassed for how I must look. To him, to our mutuals, to my friends, to myself. I had hope, I know, and like I said I will allow myself that much. To everyone else however, I look dumb. I look gullible and like an idiot who fell for the same trick twice. Who gave someone what they wanted and allowed them to pull themselves out of it when it felt like they were in too deep. I do hold resentment, I am angry. There's no use in pretending like this doesn't affect me because it does, deeply. I'm crushed, devastated, disappointed that I have proven to myself what it is I thought all along. I'm trying to combat the part of me that is saying "it's true, you are unlovable, nobody can like you beyond the surface level things you possess. They can feel base level attraction, maybe even infatuation, but once they get to know you even an ounce more than what is the most basic part of your being, they will leave." It feels like a confirmation. I know I shouldn't look at it that way, I'm trying my best not to, but I can't help but feel like that's what it is. Everyone can tell me otherwise, that I'm deserving of better, that I will find better, but I can't help that my mind goes to the fact that the biggest problem is the aspects of myself that I cannot change. The aspects of myself that the people I pursue or romantically involve myself with just can't seem to overlook. I'm young, and I'm trying to not let this get to me, I really am, but this feels like a major setback to me. A major loss for any progress I feel I've made over the years. I'll come back better, I have to. I can't let this ruin me like I let everything else. I can't let this take over my life, my mind, everything like I let it before. I just want to live; I want to experience what it is everyone else has. Romance, connection on a level based off of things that are pure and true. Not based off of lies, pity, lust, settling. I'm sick of being looked at like a charity case. Am I so lackluster that I'm not even worth a try? "I really tried everything I could, but I could not bring myself to like you," that's what it feels like is being shoved in my face. I'm supposed to accept that? Be grateful that I was given the chance, the time of day? That I wasn't just rejected like normal, but instead I was toyed with? Fed lines from some playwright I didn't know I was staring in? I refuse. I refuse to be made to think that this is normal, that this is okay, that this is anything but disgusting and an insult to me. Even if you think I'm unattractive, annoying, subpar, whatever it may be, I didn't deserve that, and nothing will make me feel like it made sense. Last night I looked at the tiles on the bathroom floor. I noticed what I always did when I was in elementary, something I've since forgotten. The floor tiles look like little Roblox people. Arms, legs, and a head. It's stupid, I don't know why it popped back into my head last night after so long, but it broke me. It made me think back to when I didn't have to worry about things like I do now. When I had my innocence, when I felt care and warmth. When I felt less alone, or more so when I was more content with being alone. Where boys and relationships weren't something I had ever noticed. Where I wanted to live the life I led. Where I'd easily ace everything in school and where I'd go on to meet friends I'd cherish. Where every interaction wasn't overthought and lingering. I wish I did things differently, I wish I did everything differently. The bathroom tiles are just squares obviously, but I can't help but think about when the biggest things that would cross my mind were Roblox characters. 

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