The Root of The Problem ✭



 I have many negative stories with men. More negative than anything else. I'm sure they will all be brought to attention here soon enough; however, I want to talk about where I feel it stems from. Part of the problem with my previous journals is I never get to the root of the problem because it is often painful for me to assess. However, I did say the point of this space is to get rid of the thoughts I keep in my mind at capacity. It sounds cliche, but I do think it starts at my father. As a matter of fact, I know it does. I know I'm too old to be blaming my outlook on life and my behavior on my parent, but like I said it is something I have never assessed. The way he treated my mother, the way he discarded me and my sisters, it's a precedent for how I let men treat me. A precedent for the events that have unfolded and how I've handled them. How I haven't had anyone there to defend me, take up for me and mean it, tell me that these are things I do not deserve. From the start I've been shown that to men, I am nothing special. I am no one worth staying for. I am no one worth going the distance for, I'm not worth the trouble. I don't believe this to be true, but it is what has been shown to me and what continues to be. We have no reliable men in our family, no male role model to show me how a man should treat a woman. Nobody to show me when I should leave. Instead, I've been discarded, since as far as I can remember men have discarded me. I've been made to feel like I have to bend myself to their will, do anything to make sure they are not upset. To make sure they won't leave me. To make sure they won't have to turn to cheating. I'm young still, I'm not saying I've had a ton of dating experience, but the experience I have had has been me begging, me being disappointed, me thinking I'm lucky to have a man instead of it being an equal exchange, me giving all of myself whether I want to or not. It's been a chase for the approval of a male figure who didn't even care enough to try. Who doesn't care about me enough to call and tell me happy birthday, who ignores my call when I try to remind him. Who cheated on my mom, making me watch as she broke down behind the steering wheel when she went to pick up her things and the other woman was living at my childhood home. Us being poor for the early years in my life while she tried to provide for us. Gradually as I grew up, the gifts stopped coming. The cards with $40 in them dwindled to nothing. The visits to the house came down to only once a year. He was late to my graduation, missing my valedictorian speech. My family tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but soon it became unspoken. My sisters speak of how much of a provider he was growing up. Always present, working while my mom was in school, coaching their teams, taking them everywhere. I never got to experience that side of him. I never got the father I felt I deserved, one that was there for me, one to care for me. I got one that left me, made me feel like I'm not worth sticking around for. Now I allow men to do the same. I allow them to take advantage of all I have to give; I be the best I can in every department for it to not be enough. For me to not be enough for any man I encounter. To always come ever so close, always make it to second best. I give everything, my mind, my money, my personality, my body, anything, and still they leave. They abandon me, they betray me, they use me. I let it happen, because what else do I know. Not anymore. Platonically, romantically, I don't care what the context is, I'm done being taken advantage of. I won't let it happen anymore. I've had enough of letting them take everything, they've destroyed me time and time again. I can't let it happen again; there's no way I can allow it to happen again.  

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